Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Postpartum Insomnia, Anxiety, and Other Things I Wish I Knew Less About
This is a post that I wish I couldn't write. It's about something I (unfortunately) have experience with: postpartum insomnia and anxiety. But, this is a post that I think I should write. I've been looking at the stats for this blog. One of the top search terms for my blog is "postpartum insomnia". Do you know what that means? It means that there are other people out there who are where I was. If you're reading this because you're struggling, know that you aren't alone, and that it will get better. I'll share with you where I was in January (bad place), where I am now (good place)...and how I got from bad to good.
Three months after my third child was born, I experienced one of my most challenging times as a mother. I began having trouble sleeping a month earlier, when my son was about two months old. Sometimes I would have difficulty falling asleep. Other times I would wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble getting back to sleep. I was already getting up at night to nurse my baby, so it was especially frustrating to be awake when everyone else was sleeping. I read up on good sleep habits, and tried to put them into practice. I wanted to sleep; I needed to sleep...but I couldn't.
By the time my son was three months old, I was very tired. I knew that something was wrong. I had read about insomnia and learned that it can become a cycle that needs to be broken. I decided to take two Tylenol PM to break the cycle and "re-set" myself. About fifteen minutes after taking the Tylenol PM, I felt extremely agitated, like I was going to break out of my skin. I don't know if I react badly to the medication, but, in hindsight, I think that I was having a panic attack. I'd never had one before, so I didn't know what I was experiencing. It was terrifying. I felt extremely anxious. I couldn't settle myself. I was awake almost the entire night.
The next night wasn't much better. I was exhausted, but I still couldn't sleep. I spent most of the night pacing around our house. I didn't know what was happening to me. I caught an hour or two of sleep.
The third night I decided to take a Benadryl to try to put myself to sleep. I wanted it to work. But it didn't. Again, I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. Again, I paced around our house. Again, I hardly slept at all.
I was terrified. I had never experienced anything like this before. What was wrong with me? I felt out of control. I was very tired. I was so anxious, I was almost shaking, and could barely keep still. If I couldn't sleep, how would I take care of my children? My worst fears were coming true.
Okay, so that was where I was. Pretty bad, right?
Here's where I am now:
I am good. I wake up at night to nurse my sweet baby, and then I fall back asleep. If I have trouble falling back asleep (sometimes he seems to catch me in the wrong part of my sleep cycle), I just wait until I'm tired again, and then go back to sleep. I don't have trouble falling asleep at night. I like to watch goofy sitcoms and relax with my husband on the couch before bed.
I don't worry that I won't be able to take care of my children. I am taking care of them. Day by day, I'm doing my best.
I feel like everything is going to be all right. Things have a way of working out. I've noticed that if I start worrying about something, I'll catch myself, and tell myself to relax. It's going to be okay.
Pretty good, right? So, how did I get from bad to good?
It took a whole bunch of steps to get from bad to good. I couldn't just jump over from bad to good; it took some work to get there. (So, if you know someone who is suffering from anxiety...don't just tell them "relax, it will be okay!" It's not that easy. You can't just make yourself, or someone else, magically stop worrying).
Step 1: I went to my doctor. Symptoms of anxiety and insomnia can be a part of many different conditions. He ordered tests to see if I had thyroid trouble, for example. My doctor recommended an anti-depressant that is especially known for anxiety. I did not want to take medication. I resisted. I worried about side effects, about withdrawl, about, well, everything. I hated the idea of needing medication. But I decided that I had to take medication. I would do it for my family. I didn't want to "medicate myself away". I wanted to medicate myself back to ME.
Step 2: I found a therapist, someone who deals especially with women's issues and postpartum issues. I remember the first time I went to her. I told her that I thought I was having a psychotic breakdown. She smiled and said no. She said that she would tell me what a psychotic breakdown really looked like, but didn't want to worry me. She told me that my problem was with anxiety. I have always been a "worrier", but with postpartum hormones and the right combination of stress, I had become someone with an anxiety problem. My therapist has been helpful in talking through things. I saw her every week in the beginning, and now check in with her once a month.
Step 3: A BIG step at the beginning was deciding that it was okay if I couldn't sleep. I would just try to rest. I bought a bunch of comedy books, and I credit them with a big part of my recovery. If I woke up at night, I'd read them and try to relax. By the way, it did take some time to get my sleeping back on track. At first I would fall asleep and jump up fifteen minutes later, as though something terrible had startled me awake. I also went through a time of going to sleep very early at night. I think my body just needed to catch up on sleep. It was a process to get back on track, but I did.
Step 4: I've tried new things and taken advantage of different resources. I've listened to relaxation CDs and gone to yoga classes. I've read The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook and Calm My Anxious Heart. (Okay, I've read parts of them. I've been meaning to read more of them). I love The Confident Woman Devotional. I treated myself to flowers on gray winter days. I bought a triple stroller so I could get outside with all my boys. (We're already outgrowing it and rarely use it now, but it was so worth it for the time I needed it). I get massages -- such a treat! I know that there isn't a simple, one-step fix for anxiety. So I keep trying different things to see what will help, what I enjoy, what will add to my life.
There were other steps, other things that I did, but those were the big ones.
I'm not quite sure how to end this post, this post that I wish I couldn't write but think that I should. Perhaps this isn't the end, but the beginning of more sharing, more honesty, more hopefully helping someone with my over-sharing. If you have any questions about anxiety or postpartum insomnia, please feel free to ask! Leave a comment or email me, and I'll be sure to get back to you. I'd love to hear about your thoughts and your experiences. Maybe you can encourage someone too.
If you are having trouble sleeping, if you're having trouble worrying...
It's going to be okay. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to worry. You're not doing something wrong. YOU are not wrong. There's help out there, and I know you can find it. If your doctor isn't helpful, find someone else who is. If you try a medication and it doesn't help, try a different one. You're going to get through this. You'll get to the good place too. It takes time, but it can be quicker than you would imagine. You can do this. You deserve this. Hang in there, friend!
Three months after my third child was born, I experienced one of my most challenging times as a mother. I began having trouble sleeping a month earlier, when my son was about two months old. Sometimes I would have difficulty falling asleep. Other times I would wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble getting back to sleep. I was already getting up at night to nurse my baby, so it was especially frustrating to be awake when everyone else was sleeping. I read up on good sleep habits, and tried to put them into practice. I wanted to sleep; I needed to sleep...but I couldn't.
By the time my son was three months old, I was very tired. I knew that something was wrong. I had read about insomnia and learned that it can become a cycle that needs to be broken. I decided to take two Tylenol PM to break the cycle and "re-set" myself. About fifteen minutes after taking the Tylenol PM, I felt extremely agitated, like I was going to break out of my skin. I don't know if I react badly to the medication, but, in hindsight, I think that I was having a panic attack. I'd never had one before, so I didn't know what I was experiencing. It was terrifying. I felt extremely anxious. I couldn't settle myself. I was awake almost the entire night.
The next night wasn't much better. I was exhausted, but I still couldn't sleep. I spent most of the night pacing around our house. I didn't know what was happening to me. I caught an hour or two of sleep.
The third night I decided to take a Benadryl to try to put myself to sleep. I wanted it to work. But it didn't. Again, I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. Again, I paced around our house. Again, I hardly slept at all.
I was terrified. I had never experienced anything like this before. What was wrong with me? I felt out of control. I was very tired. I was so anxious, I was almost shaking, and could barely keep still. If I couldn't sleep, how would I take care of my children? My worst fears were coming true.
Okay, so that was where I was. Pretty bad, right?
Here's where I am now:
I am good. I wake up at night to nurse my sweet baby, and then I fall back asleep. If I have trouble falling back asleep (sometimes he seems to catch me in the wrong part of my sleep cycle), I just wait until I'm tired again, and then go back to sleep. I don't have trouble falling asleep at night. I like to watch goofy sitcoms and relax with my husband on the couch before bed.
I don't worry that I won't be able to take care of my children. I am taking care of them. Day by day, I'm doing my best.
I feel like everything is going to be all right. Things have a way of working out. I've noticed that if I start worrying about something, I'll catch myself, and tell myself to relax. It's going to be okay.
Pretty good, right? So, how did I get from bad to good?
It took a whole bunch of steps to get from bad to good. I couldn't just jump over from bad to good; it took some work to get there. (So, if you know someone who is suffering from anxiety...don't just tell them "relax, it will be okay!" It's not that easy. You can't just make yourself, or someone else, magically stop worrying).
Step 1: I went to my doctor. Symptoms of anxiety and insomnia can be a part of many different conditions. He ordered tests to see if I had thyroid trouble, for example. My doctor recommended an anti-depressant that is especially known for anxiety. I did not want to take medication. I resisted. I worried about side effects, about withdrawl, about, well, everything. I hated the idea of needing medication. But I decided that I had to take medication. I would do it for my family. I didn't want to "medicate myself away". I wanted to medicate myself back to ME.
Step 2: I found a therapist, someone who deals especially with women's issues and postpartum issues. I remember the first time I went to her. I told her that I thought I was having a psychotic breakdown. She smiled and said no. She said that she would tell me what a psychotic breakdown really looked like, but didn't want to worry me. She told me that my problem was with anxiety. I have always been a "worrier", but with postpartum hormones and the right combination of stress, I had become someone with an anxiety problem. My therapist has been helpful in talking through things. I saw her every week in the beginning, and now check in with her once a month.
Step 3: A BIG step at the beginning was deciding that it was okay if I couldn't sleep. I would just try to rest. I bought a bunch of comedy books, and I credit them with a big part of my recovery. If I woke up at night, I'd read them and try to relax. By the way, it did take some time to get my sleeping back on track. At first I would fall asleep and jump up fifteen minutes later, as though something terrible had startled me awake. I also went through a time of going to sleep very early at night. I think my body just needed to catch up on sleep. It was a process to get back on track, but I did.
Step 4: I've tried new things and taken advantage of different resources. I've listened to relaxation CDs and gone to yoga classes. I've read The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook and Calm My Anxious Heart. (Okay, I've read parts of them. I've been meaning to read more of them). I love The Confident Woman Devotional. I treated myself to flowers on gray winter days. I bought a triple stroller so I could get outside with all my boys. (We're already outgrowing it and rarely use it now, but it was so worth it for the time I needed it). I get massages -- such a treat! I know that there isn't a simple, one-step fix for anxiety. So I keep trying different things to see what will help, what I enjoy, what will add to my life.
There were other steps, other things that I did, but those were the big ones.
I'm not quite sure how to end this post, this post that I wish I couldn't write but think that I should. Perhaps this isn't the end, but the beginning of more sharing, more honesty, more hopefully helping someone with my over-sharing. If you have any questions about anxiety or postpartum insomnia, please feel free to ask! Leave a comment or email me, and I'll be sure to get back to you. I'd love to hear about your thoughts and your experiences. Maybe you can encourage someone too.
If you are having trouble sleeping, if you're having trouble worrying...
It's going to be okay. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to worry. You're not doing something wrong. YOU are not wrong. There's help out there, and I know you can find it. If your doctor isn't helpful, find someone else who is. If you try a medication and it doesn't help, try a different one. You're going to get through this. You'll get to the good place too. It takes time, but it can be quicker than you would imagine. You can do this. You deserve this. Hang in there, friend!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Family Math
We've done a few activities from Family Math for Young Children. It's a great resource for activities that are easy and fun and develop mathematical thinking.
Two activities worked on the concept of symmetry. We made a "papel picado" and played "copycat".
To make our papel picado, I cut pieces of tissue paper into rectangles, and then folded them in half several times. We cut into the tissue paper, just as you would if making paper snowflakes. When we unfolded the tissue paper we had a symmetrical design.
We hung the tissue paper rectangles on string to make the papel picado. A papel picado is a festive banner used in Latino communities.
Another activity we did was the game copycat. We started with two identical sets of items, one for me and one for Mike. I folded a paper in half, and let Mike glue an item on the paper first. I then glued an identical item opposite it. After a few tries, we switched roles and Mike copycatted me. When we were done, we had created a symmetrical design.
Two activities worked on the concept of symmetry. We made a "papel picado" and played "copycat".
To make our papel picado, I cut pieces of tissue paper into rectangles, and then folded them in half several times. We cut into the tissue paper, just as you would if making paper snowflakes. When we unfolded the tissue paper we had a symmetrical design.
We hung the tissue paper rectangles on string to make the papel picado. A papel picado is a festive banner used in Latino communities.
Another activity we did was the game copycat. We started with two identical sets of items, one for me and one for Mike. I folded a paper in half, and let Mike glue an item on the paper first. I then glued an identical item opposite it. After a few tries, we switched roles and Mike copycatted me. When we were done, we had created a symmetrical design.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Who-o-o-o loves wall decals?
I do! I also like bad puns.
I've been doing a spring spruce up for our house, and one of the rooms on my list was the bathroom by the playroom. We have two bathrooms in our house, but we mostly use this one. The other one is close to the bedrooms, and that's why we don't use it as much -- using it wakes up sleeping boys. The shower curtain and bath mat were old and yucky, and when I decided to replace them our bathroom got an owl of a makeover. I went for fun and happy and... owls!
I discovered wall decals. Wow... how did I not know about these? For less than $15 at Tar-jay, I get to put stickers on our walls. The wall above the changing table has never looked cuter.
Below is a sign my mother-in-law gave me for Christmas. It's hanging near the sink. I love it: "There are no great things. Only small things done with great love." How true.
The new shower curtain is what started the whole owl makeover. I needed a new curtain liner, and I realized that for a little more money I could buy a whole new look for the room.
Oh wall decals, how I love you. I also love that my sons are young enough that they find the room fun and not embarrassing. Five years from now this bathroom will be getting another makeover which will, unfortunately, probably be less cute. But more appropriate for growing boys. Maybe a Star Wars or Lego theme? Actually, that could also be cute.
I've been doing a spring spruce up for our house, and one of the rooms on my list was the bathroom by the playroom. We have two bathrooms in our house, but we mostly use this one. The other one is close to the bedrooms, and that's why we don't use it as much -- using it wakes up sleeping boys. The shower curtain and bath mat were old and yucky, and when I decided to replace them our bathroom got an owl of a makeover. I went for fun and happy and... owls!
I discovered wall decals. Wow... how did I not know about these? For less than $15 at Tar-jay, I get to put stickers on our walls. The wall above the changing table has never looked cuter.
Below is a sign my mother-in-law gave me for Christmas. It's hanging near the sink. I love it: "There are no great things. Only small things done with great love." How true.
The new shower curtain is what started the whole owl makeover. I needed a new curtain liner, and I realized that for a little more money I could buy a whole new look for the room.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
A Day in the Life of a Six Month Old
Things are good, six month old George. The other day as I was walking down the hall, I started thinking: "this is what we've been working for." This -- life with three little boys -- is what we've been working for these past five years. The morning sickness, the c-sections, the recovery, the adjustments, the transitions and the craziness...it was for this. This life with our sons. It wasn't easy, but it was more than worth it.
You are a very loved baby, who has two very loved superhero brothers. Here's what happened one day when you were six months old.
You played on the floor. (You like it, sometimes. I try to have you play on the floor to help your motor development. You seemed delayed for a while, but lately your skills have been taking off).
Sometimes I sit you in this chair in the bathroom while I get ready. (I've since changed to a Bumbo seat because Joe thought it was really fun to climb on the high chair, and I thought it would be more fun to avoid ER visits).
When I was getting ready, your brothers decided to start a project.
The project mostly involved ripping up a newspaper and gluing pieces to themselves. They told me they were making costumes.
It's hard for me to get a picture of the two of us, George. Here's some of us posing in the bathroom mirror.
We had friends over for a superhero lunch. I checked a superhero cookbook out of the library, and thought if we were going to do a special lunch it would be even more special to do it with friends. Below are the "Captain Egg Heads".
The older boys had fun running around outside after lunch.
After your nap, Mike sometimes offers to "babysit" you. If I can't get you back to sleep, and I haven't had a chance to rest myself, I let Mike babysit. He plays with you in the playroom while I sit in the living room. Don't worry, I listen to what's going on.
I love the picture below. Life with two big brothers at it's best!
You have a new chair for eating, now that you are sitting up better. It's just like your brothers' chairs, but it has a rail and harness for extra safety.
Daddy and Mommy -- and sometimes brothers -- help you eat. You eat baby food purees, Mum Mums, and sometimes little bits of soft table food. You have a sippy cup but play with it more than drink from it. You like to drink from big cups, when I hold up my cup for you to take a sip.
Here's to another day in your life, George!
You are a very loved baby, who has two very loved superhero brothers. Here's what happened one day when you were six months old.
You played on the floor. (You like it, sometimes. I try to have you play on the floor to help your motor development. You seemed delayed for a while, but lately your skills have been taking off).
Sometimes I sit you in this chair in the bathroom while I get ready. (I've since changed to a Bumbo seat because Joe thought it was really fun to climb on the high chair, and I thought it would be more fun to avoid ER visits).
When I was getting ready, your brothers decided to start a project.
The project mostly involved ripping up a newspaper and gluing pieces to themselves. They told me they were making costumes.
It's hard for me to get a picture of the two of us, George. Here's some of us posing in the bathroom mirror.
We had friends over for a superhero lunch. I checked a superhero cookbook out of the library, and thought if we were going to do a special lunch it would be even more special to do it with friends. Below are the "Captain Egg Heads".
The older boys had fun running around outside after lunch.
After your nap, Mike sometimes offers to "babysit" you. If I can't get you back to sleep, and I haven't had a chance to rest myself, I let Mike babysit. He plays with you in the playroom while I sit in the living room. Don't worry, I listen to what's going on.
I love the picture below. Life with two big brothers at it's best!
You have a new chair for eating, now that you are sitting up better. It's just like your brothers' chairs, but it has a rail and harness for extra safety.
Daddy and Mommy -- and sometimes brothers -- help you eat. You eat baby food purees, Mum Mums, and sometimes little bits of soft table food. You have a sippy cup but play with it more than drink from it. You like to drink from big cups, when I hold up my cup for you to take a sip.
Here's to another day in your life, George!
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